For those of you who missed World History in school....
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer, elk, bear, and other wild animals in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the discovery of grain and the invention of the wheel.
Once grain was available, it led immediately to the discovery of beer.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer more quickly.
These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1) Liberals, and 2) Conservatives.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement.
Other men -- who were weaker and less skilled at hunting -- learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, hair dressing, and dancing around the fire.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. (Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men .)
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with a slice of lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. sidAnother interesting evolutionary e note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels and hairier legs than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood , and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America .
These Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it; this is because he is more feminine and touchier than a conservative. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to piss them off.