This is a final draft of a Divorce agreement between conservatives and those others...
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN and Hollywood . We will keep Fox and talk radio.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. But we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon and Volvo (now owed by the Chinese) you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
Showing posts with label conservatives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conservatives. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Dogs and Cats..
Nothing says screw you like the upturned tail from the backside of a walking away kitty who will gladly eat your food and take your attention when it deems it appropriate. Cats, unlike their canine counterparts are quite independent when they desire to be, and generally wont be following you around unless you have left the food bowl empty long enough. In fact its nearly impossible for the average pet owner to train a cat to do anything but use the litter box, and even that is because the cat WANTS to. The cat is typically neat, clean, and generally knows its power.
Dogs are indeed different. Loyalty is easily gained from a dog, and sometimes even given in a way a little too sloppy. The dog will crap anywhere, eat nearly anything, but is ultimately trainable. Dogs sometimes will try to hump anything, chase their own tail, eat garbage, lick themselves and lick your face, and sometimes roll in fish, but that's OK, because they are dogs, and are excused because of it. Yes, there are smart dogs, but even some of those get hit by a car once in a while.
Dogs seek an alpha, cats ARE the alpha.
Oh.. Cats are Conservative, and Dogs are Liberal.
Dogs are indeed different. Loyalty is easily gained from a dog, and sometimes even given in a way a little too sloppy. The dog will crap anywhere, eat nearly anything, but is ultimately trainable. Dogs sometimes will try to hump anything, chase their own tail, eat garbage, lick themselves and lick your face, and sometimes roll in fish, but that's OK, because they are dogs, and are excused because of it. Yes, there are smart dogs, but even some of those get hit by a car once in a while.
Dogs seek an alpha, cats ARE the alpha.
Oh.. Cats are Conservative, and Dogs are Liberal.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Another one of those truth emails which float around..
For those of you who missed World History in school....
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer, elk, bear, and other wild animals in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the discovery of grain and the invention of the wheel.
Once grain was available, it led immediately to the discovery of beer.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer more quickly.
These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1) Liberals, and 2) Conservatives.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement.
Other men -- who were weaker and less skilled at hunting -- learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, hair dressing, and dancing around the fire.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. (Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men .)
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with a slice of lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. sidAnother interesting evolutionary e note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels and hairier legs than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood , and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America .
These Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it; this is because he is more feminine and touchier than a conservative. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to piss them off.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer, elk, bear, and other wild animals in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the discovery of grain and the invention of the wheel.
Once grain was available, it led immediately to the discovery of beer.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer more quickly.
These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1) Liberals, and 2) Conservatives.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement.
Other men -- who were weaker and less skilled at hunting -- learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, hair dressing, and dancing around the fire.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. (Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as girlie-men .)
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with a slice of lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. sidAnother interesting evolutionary e note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone levels and hairier legs than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood , and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America .
These Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it; this is because he is more feminine and touchier than a conservative. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to piss them off.
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